Friday, March 25, 2011

After One Night of Exercise, Area Man Suddenly World's Foremost Expert on Exercise

After walking on his home treadmill for nearly a half hour, local man Andrew Holt suddenly became the world's foremost expert on exercise. Though he has performed nothing even remotely related to exercise in the last several months, Mr. Holt reported that, due to this one evening of extended and intentional physical exertion, he now knows exactly what he's talking about when it comes to maintaining a healthy lifestyle.

"It's all about consistency," he reportedly told his wife while breathing heavily and desperately trying to lower his heart rate. "You have to go for it every day. And you can't get discouraged. Sheesh, is it hot in here? Man, it's really, really hot up here."

Mr. Holt decided to get on the treadmill that night while driving his family home from the mall, where he was spotted consuming a mushroom and swiss cheese burger, garlic fries, and a large coca-cola in the food court. Later, while his three children played in the designated play area, Mr. Holt also reportedly ingested half of the cookies 'n' cream milk shake he had purchased for his children from Chick Fil A.

According to his wife, the real motivation for Mr. Holt's night of exercise came when he was trying on a pair of 32W jeans at Express. "He really struggled to get those things buttoned. And when he finally stepped out of the dressing room, all I could see was that man-muffin top. Gross." Sources at Express confirmed that Mr. Holt wasn't fooling anybody with those 32W jeans, and that he should just deal with the fact that he's not 21 anymore.

"Sure, the jeans were a motivation," Mr. Holt, 31, confessed. "But I just need to get in shape in general. You know, I've done p90x before. For five whole weeks! I used to be in great shape. I don't think it'll take that long to get back there." One anonymous source confirmed that Mr. Holt had, in fact, done p90x before, but that the last time he tried it he nearly passed out, spending more than an hour lying on the couch moaning like a diseased cow.

"I'm really going to get after it this time," a motivated Mr. Holt told reporters. "This isn't like all those other times in my life when I gave up after a couple days. I'm really going to stick with it this time. And I'm going to drink less pop, too."

At press time, Mr. Holt was spotted rummaging through the kitchen cupboards, wondering who the crap ate all the Gummi Bears.


Kelly said...

Holy cow! Funniest thing I've read in a long time!!!!!!!

Um, let me know if you guys find any of those gummi bears. I can make it to your house in 4 minutes. I've timed it.

Breena said...

Thank you SO much for the laughter, babe! This was amazing and all so true! I love you, muffin ;)

Pastor Mark said...

Hey Andy - Just saw on Jesuscreed that you are here in Columbus. I've seen your comments there over the years. Want to get together sometime to talk McKnight and stuff? I pastor the American Baptist Church of Westerville on Schrock Road. Do you like Panera?

Mark Farmer

Jeremy said...

Hmmm... you always could make me laugh! Oh how I miss the days of size 32 pants!

Jub Jub